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SELF!
Or the split into ‘I’ and ‘You’:
When did my mind split into “I” and “you”? Not in the DID way. Not splitting as in two different people. Personalities. Whatever… More in the sense of, when did the ‘I’ become ‘You’ and the ‘You’ become ‘I’… When did I start thinking in the second person again? Apparently, it's a common thing. And that makes me angry? Why does it make me angry? Am I that desperate to be unique? And what, no, why is that so important to me? I’m fine. I’m not, but that's beside the point. Or maybe it is the point, and I'm just bullshitting myself. I want so desperately to be liked and to be kind. But I’m also angry. And suggestible. Very suggestible.
(If you type a word enough it stops looking like a word. It stops being a word.)
I’m myself. Whoever that is. I'm angry pretty much all the time but I can get away with it because I’m small and unassuming if not a little creepy. Yeah, I’m creepy. Not in the like… stalker way. In the weird little girl way but I’m a boy. Ya know, when people say weird little girl, I think of me. Well, my younger self. Past Toby. Past me. I ate clover off the playground and was always the medic when we played ‘war’ during recess. I kissed my best friend on the cheek and promptly ran away and to this day I’m not sure why I did it. Something, something, what else are ‘girls’ and boys supposed to be but little love magnets? Now THATS creepy. I don't think that. I’m saying the teachers and maybe even other students thought that. We were an item in the way a two-pack of peanut butter is an item. We went together. At least I went with him. I feel like my entire life I've been following people. Like… I’ll latch on and won't let go until I do. That's reductive but I think the point is made clear enough to be understood.
A lot of the time I’m not real. I am real, that's not what I mean it's not like I don't exist but I mean I’m not real in the same way that god’s not real. Did I just compare myself to god? Yes. Do I mean it in a god-complex way? No. I don't think god complexes are real. I say god’s not real in the sense that the idea of god was, is, made up. And I’m made up. I’m everyone's perception of me. And my past self. And my current self. And my future self. God bless, I’m off track.
When I was younger I stood in front of the mirror in my bedroom and tried to see my wings. I thought I was an angel. Not really, I don't think. I think it was most likely either a grab at attention or I saw it on TV somewhere. Or I had paid attention to church that week. Speaking of a grab for attention, My friend said something yesterday that kind of blew my mind. He said something along the lines of “You're looking for the attention you haven't received.” or something like that. It was in response to my saying “A sick part of me wants to have people see me cry. Because then they’ll ask if I'm ok and then I can cry more.” Or whatever.
He was, is, right I think. I haven't gotten attention. And when I do, it's negative. It's my teachers reprimanding me or my principal calling the cops on me or my boss yelling at me, or blah blah blah… the list goes on. I have problems with authority, that much is obvious. It's like, you get yelled at one too many times, and suddenly, no one can be trusted but also you need approval. Connection. Whatever… I care. I don't care. I care way too much. I don't care at all. Its… a thing. Doublethink. Something like that. A paradox. Contradictory beliefs exist simultaneously.
I really like this comic. I realllllly like it. It's part of my personality. Actually. For real. It's called Homestuck and I have and will talk about it for hours. The fandom and its creations are its lifeblood and half of the shit that the fandom, that I fixate on, isn't even explored in the comic.
God tiers. Classpecting. Never explored. Ever. there are 12 aspects and 14 classes and no one knows shit about them in the sense of canon but if you've heard of Homestuck you knowww what your god tier is. I’m a Page of Heart. That means I am a harbinger of the soul. Of personality. I’m the manifestation and the manifesto. I’m the most powerful non-master class. I’m the bane of everyone’s existence. And I’m a goddamn wimpy mess. I put way too much stock in what other people think of me and I do not do well with abandonment but I also abandon people and I sure as shit do not have good self-worth. But if you know me, that's like a given. Thats Toby 101 babe :) And that's not good. I’m working on it. I’m working on the abandoning people thing. And I’m working on the self-worth thing. And I’m working on all of it. I’m working on myself. That’s good. That’s really good.
Anyway, allow me to leave that topic alone for a bit. Let it rot and regrow or whatever. I have shit I need to do. I've got shit that needs attending (the department of redundancy department just called, they want their extra unnecessary words back.) Who carrresss… I want to party! I want to play video games! I want to hang out with friends! I want to be young and dumb and 17 cause all the songs say 17 is the best time to be alive. But fuck that. Because I’m in high school. And it blows. MAJORLY!!! I can't get a day off or take a break cause then I’ll have a shit ton of work to make up and Jesus. I can barely do the work I’m assigned how the FUCK and am I supposed to do extra work??? Ok, whatever. I’ll do the work. I’ll buckle down. I’ll take my meds and I’ll be a ‘trooper’ and I won't complain.
It's 2:00. School is over in 10 minutes. I’m just getting started. I could write an essay on myself. Narcissistic and villainous and evil and Jesus fuck when did I begin to think so little of myself? The self is fine to talk about. I know myself better than anyone. And I think that's fine. I’d like to get to know people better. Hell, I’d LOVE to know people better. I’m STARVING for that connection. I needed it. I’m a fucking wounded animal trying to chew its own leg off because it's stuck in a trap and it can't get out and it's going to die if it doesn't get out but no one’s gonna help it so its gotta hack off his own leg and oh god… Maybe. Maybe I just need to sit down a bit. Have some floor time. Yeah. That’ll do it. Listen to my music. Talk to my teacher and get that work done. Fuck yeah. I got this. I’m chilling. Yeah.